Not much to say recently. I have not felt much like writing. The shootings in Newtown have rattled me. My kids have been sick. I have been annoyed at my sick kids (“Hold me! Hollllld meeeee nowwww” repeat repeat repeat while flopping around on the floor), and felt like I shouldn’t be annoyed. There are parents who would love to be annoyed at their kids this week.
There are no words for what happened. No words. I’m so sorry. It is unimaginable.
We’re getting ready to join up with family for Christmas. I’m ready for very strong coffee (my father-in-law brews it constantly), poor sleep (the hubs said it will likely be a cluster-cussword in terms of the kids’ sleep this week), and lots of fun. We’ll sit around a lot. Take walks. Go running. The kids will play with their cousins- eight total. Presents will be opened, played with, adored, and forgotten about in varying degrees. I’m very thankful for all of it. [Understatement].
When my mom died, I learned a lot about grief. I read books about it, on the advice of a friend who had lost her dad a few years prior. She also told me “however you feel is exactly how you’re supposed to feel”- which rings true when it comes to grief, because grief is all over the map.
Georgia came to my house the day after my mom died. We weren’t super duper close friends, but she knew the feeling of loss- that punch in the stomach, the disbelief. So she came over and hugged me and I hugged her particularly tight because she got it. She told me a few things she learned from her experience, and I soaked it up because this was new terrain for me. Where was the guidebook? I became a member of a crappy old club that no one wants to join. The club where you’ve lost someone before it was really time.
One thing I learned about grief was that no one knows what to say. So some people say nothing, and some people say just that- “I don’t know what to say.” That is enough, sometimes. And the truth (for me) is that there are no words to touch it. The sadness runs too deep sometimes.
That is how the Newtown shootings feel. Words fail.
I wish I had never heard of that town. I wish no one had heard of it, because it was still just a little anonymous town like a bazillion others, where life went on.
Lord be with those families.