Just Checking In

I’m not feeling witty or funny, but I do want to write. So.

Four kids. It is a lot of kids, all at once. The highs are high, the lows are quite low. Sometimes when I see all of them together it is just a heart explosion of perfection and loveliness. These kids. I can’t believe they are mine and that they are so awesome.

I mean:

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So much love, the poor baby needed rescuing.

Other times- like every single time I am trying to get us out the door- I am thisclose to harming someone. Words are spoken that shall not be repeated. It gets ugly.

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I am thankful we’ve had some really beautiful days lately. I think the postpartum hormones are doing their hormonal number on me. I started feeling down’ish last week. Sort of a flat, apathetic blahness that I can feel coming on. It’s a plane I hear circling and sometimes it lands for maybe an hour or even a whole afternoon or so. Then it sort of picks up and moves on. I was talking to my friend Caroline about it and she remarked that the good thing is that you know that it will likely move on. That’s the nature of postpartum hormones, for me at least. They come and go. So- I am thankful for the sunny days. They help move that plane along again.

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I have a mental checklist I tick through, when I feel flat:

Sunshine (if possible)
Movement
Eat something good for me (I am killing brussel sprouts these days)
Take vitamins (I don’t know that these do a darn thing, except help me feel like I’m taking care of myself)
Drink water
Be with someone other than just my kids (I met my friend Megan at Sam’s Club one day. That counts. It made a world of difference.)

It’s a weird thing to feel so enraptured with my kids and my husband and my life one minute and like someone rolled over me with a steamroller and left a flattened version of myself, the next.

Ahhhh, hormones. You lovely beasts.

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Cuter than a bag o’ kittens, as they say.*

(*No one actually says that.)

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11 thoughts on “Just Checking In

  1. This is good, helpful stuff. I need to be more mindful of things like this (and come up with a few more for myself) that I can try out when my not-post-partum-just-general-crabbiness-hormones come out.

    • Another mom recommended to me, once, that I have something that is all mine- not related to the kids at all. A book (not on parenting), a tv show, a hobby- whatever. Just something that I can look forward to, for me. Unfortunately for me, this week the book I chose was so depressing. Oops. But yeah- I like having a mental list to sort of check things off when I am circling the drain.

  2. Pingback: Thirty-three | numbered days

  3. I always enjoy reading your posts and hearing your honest thoughts- I can relate even without the postpartum hormones. This week my twins got the stomach bug and one of them literally threw up on my face while we were snuggling which of course gave me the same bug and then Travis got it too and we just threw crackers on the floor and let all four of our kids fend for themselves while we ran in and out of the bathroom for hours. There was a point where I honestly thought about calling child protective services and just asking them to come take my kids because I didn’t know if we’d make it through the night! And then morning came, and the sun came out again, food stayed in our tummies…we had made it. It’s always a glorious thing when you make it back to those “sunny” days but in the midst of the tough ones it can feel close to impossible sometimes!

    • Thank you for commenting!

      Stomach bug… ugh. My blood just ran cold, just thinking about it… Glad you are on the other side of it now!

  4. I read this a day or two ago, and wanted to write but wasn’t sure of what to say. My thoughts all sound so banal: How do you do it, 4 kids? I hated it when people asked me that when my twins were babies. You do what you have to do. And there are moments of such profound wonderful you can barely stand it, and moments of such deep terrible you can barely stand it, and then there are all the other moments in between those. I wish I’d known about postpartum hormones when I was experiencing them. I think it would have made those plane landings a little easier to bear. Maybe? Or maybe the only thing that really makes it bearable is that tiny body with the oldnew face that really is cuter than a bag o’ kittens. Those first few months of my kids’ lives was such a trip–and even though I don’t want another newborn, I would love to feel so alive in that way again.

    • Ha- the “oldnew face” is such a perfect description of a newborn.

      I can only imagine the comments you got as a mother of twins. I routinely think about that moms of multiples. “How do they…?” and “What about when…?”. Yes, you just do it. What is the other option?

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